You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. *Pessimist:* you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway. *Optimist:* you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before. *Procrastinator:* you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. *Bureaucrat:* you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions. *Lawyer:* you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. *Doctor:* you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. *Sales executive:* you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. *Internal Revenue Service:* you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. *Advertiser:* you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99. *Engineer:* you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. *Scientist:* you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. *Mathematician:* you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. *Philosophy:* you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. *English:* you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. *Comparative Literature:* you read the parachute instructions in all four languages. *Computer Science:* you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. *Economics:* you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. *Psychoanalysis:* you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. *Drama:* you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. *Art:* you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. *Republican:* as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts. *Democrat:* you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces. *Libertarian:* after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out. *Ross Perot:* you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to learn how to fix a plane. *Surgeon General:* you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. *Association of Tobacco Growers:* you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death. *National Rifle Association:* you shoot them and take the parachute. *Police Bigot:* you beat them unconscious with the parachute. *Environmentalist:* you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. *Objectivist:* your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person. *Branch Davidian (David Koresh):* you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out. *Sports Fan:* you start betting on how long it will take to crash. *Auto Mechanic:* as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.