"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."

"My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?"

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"Reason and free inquiry are the only effectual agents against error."

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."

"Another one of them new worlds. No beer, no women, no pool parlors - nothin'. Nothing to do but throw rocks at tin cans and we got to bring our own tin cans."

"Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults."

"The measure of a man is what he does with power."